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Would these few sentences grab your attention?

Aaliyah lives a carefree life, until she decides to escape. Do the risks outweigh the benefits? Will her adventure be as enjoyable as the ones in the books?

~Does that sound interesting?

~Also, if you have the time could you critique my intro:


She was alone. Alone, but not lonesome; an important distinction Aaliyah thought to herself. She, for the most part, enjoyed the solitary days picking through the forest. It wasn't that she disliked people, but rather the people that had constantly encircled her back at Glenavon Castle. Her parent's advisers had endlessly pestered her to assure themselves that she responded satisfactorily to questions and behaved properly. But she didn’t want to live that dull dreary life. She didn’t want to get married young and be bogged down in a castle. She wanted to be a free spirit and control her own life. The restless days and all the fussing set her over the edge. Aaliyah decided the only way to live her own life and to be her own person was to leave. The wheels in her head began spinning and a plan was formulated. The goal was to escape prior to her 16th birthday since it was customary to participate more actively in court affairs once the heir was close to maturity. But Aaliyah didn’t want anything to do with the secretive and crafty world her parents lived in. Instead, she covertly pilfered maps from her father's spymaster, Nyllan, and amassed books that would aid her survival in the wilderness. She studied books on navigation, outdoor survival, and indigenous food of the Surakut Forest. After committing it all to memory Aaliyah planned the day of her departure: shortly after her 15th birthday.

The days passed and September 27 finally arrived. There was a huge celebration at the castle: her parents planned a banquet and invited all the royal families and under lords nearby. Loads of guests dressed in lush velvet and grandiose fur coats effusively wished her a happy 15th birthday. Her mother and father were, for once, conversing with her along with hundreds of other bothersome guests. She soon grew tired of the monotonous conversations. It seemed that everyone she talked with either wanted to better their social standing or they wanted something from her or from her parents. After the vexing banquet ended and all the guests had gone Aaliyah was in high spirits. She could finally hear herself think and she realized that in the next few days she would have an opportunity to execute her plan.

After the excitement of the banquet had worn off and the normal lull of royal life had returned Aaliyah prepared to leave. She took hikes every day scouting escape routes, disposing of any evidence that would lead people to her whereabouts, and gathering the items she would be taking with her. Once everything was finalized, she tucked her satchel, filled with the items she would be taking, in her favorite hiding spot: an unknown closet on the first floor.

On the day of departure, October 4, she woke up knowing she had little time until dawn. The servants would be working soon, if they weren't already doing so. She dressed quickly and quietly in dull peasant clothes. She made her bed and checked to make sure her room was neat and orderly. It was. Everything was going according to plan, but she couldn't figure out why she felt like she shouldn't leave. Then, she heard something rustle. It’s probably just a squirrel outside my window Aaliyah thought. She checked, and sure enough there was a squirrel on the window sill. But she still didn't feel at ease. She heard it again! This time it was more of a swish. Definitely not the squirrel, she rationalized. The noise was getting closer and now she could clearly distinguish the patter of feet. The alarm bell in her head went off full blast. Oh no, the maid is going to come and clean my chamber! Aaliyah’s chamber was quite large and had many rooms that hadn't been cleaned in a while. She ducked silently under the bed and prayed the servant would return later. The feet stopped and Aaliyah sucked in a ragged breath of air. Then, as if the servant had heard her frantic thoughts, he/she recommenced their journey down the hall. Aaliyah let out a huge sigh of relief, but at the same time her head was reeling. How odd; the servant continued down the hall. I can’t imagine what someone would be doing up here; this wing belongs entirely to me. If they were trying to get to the other wing they could have just taken the stairs on the other side of the castle; which would also be much more time efficient than going through here. It would take at least a couple more minutes for the person to get there from here. No one wastes time just for the fun of it; especially in the morning when everyone is always rushing around trying to finish things before the King and Queen wake up. Therefore he or she must have a good reason for coming this way, she concluded. She wanted to foll

Public Comments

1. I lacks...personality? I don't know how to descibe it. But theres no peice of... heart in it, if you know what I am trying to say...

2. I liked it. answer mine? please? http://answers.yahoo.com/question/index?qid=20091124173412AANn1TQ

3. Your work is very sophisticated and to-the-point. It's too sophisticated, rather. This is a fantasy or fair-tale-sounding story, so dazzle me. Sprinkle me with pixie dust. Get yourself into the position of your main character, tell my everything you see, hear, smell, and think, and make me care about your characters to the point where I actually want to know what happens after she runs away. Make your words weave the story and put a little shimmer and meaning into your words by describing the dark beauty of the castle, the frozen fear on your character's face when she hears pattering footsteps coming closer and closer. Are the castle walls crawling with thick ivy? Or are they barren and bland to the eye, tasteless and dull brown? What does your character look like? Does her hair look like spun gold or rich chocolate, or is it bright cherry red? You get the idea.

You have to, HAVE TO grab my attention at the first sentence. If you add some beautiful little details in there, it will make your work sparkle and drag me deeper and deeper into the story. I know I've said the words sparkle and shimmer about fifteen million times, but I can't describe it any other way. It's the best feeling in the world when you crack open a book and the words are so beautiful that they put butterflies in your stomach. It's a shimmery feeling. And if you put yourself right where your main character is and see everything so clearly in your head that you feel like you can reach out and touch the story, and then you put that on paper, you will feel it, too.

Keep writing, and keep working on this! If you put some heart and sparkle into it then it's good.